I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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