Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
