I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think a kid would responsible me up
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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