She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
