i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Oh god it's open bar.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
