3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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