fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
