I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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