our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
