I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
