well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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