Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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