She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
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