the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
