She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
