he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
