My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
