So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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