Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
