I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
