An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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