i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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