:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
