First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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