toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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