it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
