No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
