Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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