I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Drunk is a universal language darling
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
