70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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