look no pants
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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