I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
