As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
