why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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