you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
