apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
