Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
