i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
