Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
