Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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