If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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