tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Randomize
