Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
