i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Dignity is for republicans.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
