I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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