Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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