I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
