I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
how does that bad decision feel?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
