i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
