I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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