The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Randomize
