I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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