my mouth tastes like poor choices
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
