is wine microwaveable?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
