Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
