it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
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