Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
two words: eviction party
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
