What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
