just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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