the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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